Jake Henderson was once a fierce crusader for the legalization of marijuana but he now says that widespread acceptance of pot was a huge mistake. Marijuana usage is no longer considered taboo and according to Henderson, that comes some overlooked consequences.
“A pot leaf t-shirt or 4:20 patch on a denim jacket with no sleeves used to be a core part of my identity. Now I see soccer moms smoking joints and I know that I’m no longer the cool outsider. It’s just so easy to get now,” said Henderson. Indeed, marijuana acquisition is now such a non-issue that so-called “pot snobs” who seek out particular strains are looked at with eye-rolling derision instead of being seen as wise keepers of hidden knowledge as they once were. “I used to know where to get all the best stuff. People would come to me and I’d hook them up with my buddy Fred who had a secret hydroponic operation. Now you can just walk into a store and pick whatever strength you want,” said Henderson.
Henderson also longs for the old traditions tied to criminalized marijuana. “There’s no mystique anymore! You never have to worry about being stabbed in an alley over a $20 bag or getting what turns out to be dried thyme leaves that have been soaked in some unknown chemical,” he lamented, shaking his head with a look in his eyes that could only be described as “pining for a begone era while simultaneously realizing that era will never return.” His observations seem to be true. Recent statistics show that a total of zero purchasers of legal marijuana have ever reported being stabbed during a transaction and only once was dried spice sold in place of marijuana. Even then, it hadn’t been sprayed in a mystery liquid.
“We detected the error and immediately corrected it. The customer hadn’t even left the store before we realized that a shaker of dried parsley from the employee break room had been accidentally placed into his bag instead of the 3.5 grams of White Rhino that he paid for. We apologized and offered a coupon for 10% off his next purchase,” said Alan Dialo, Head of Pot Distribution for one of the seemingly thousands of marijuana dispensaries that have sprung up. When probed about the possibility of small-time criminals or the cartel muscling in on his territory, Dialo laughed. “There are over 15 dispensaries on this very block. We don’t fight over customers, there are plenty. Everyone uses cannabis these days,” he finished, driving the final nail into whatever semblance of hope that Jake Henderson may have had left.
Still, Henderson wonders how things went this far. “I didn’t realize that my advocacy would ever work. I thought it would just keep on being me against the world,” said Henderson, who now pickets as a recriminalization advocate. “It seemed like everywhere I looked, “The Man” was trying to stop me from doing my thing. Suddenly “The Man” is me.” Despite his best efforts to have recreational cannabis recriminalized, it looks like building your entire personality around marijuana consumption may soon be a thing of the past.