So, you’ve taken the Red Pill only to find out that the real world is a real bummer. You wake up expecting to be greeted by bathing beauties carrying a smorgasbord of exotic fruits only to discover that the actual truth is that machines have scorched the surface of the Earth and blocked out the sun, killing all fruit plants and driving the scant few remaining bathing beauties left deep underground. Naturally, you’re starting to regret unplugging from the Matrix at all and you just want to jack back in. Totally understandable! But now that you know the Matrix is all phony baloney, how do you move forward? Let Cypher help you!

1) Bar Trivia
One of the main perks of knowing that you’re inside the Matrix is that you can run a simple program and instantly acquire new skills. You can learn anything from Kung-Fu to Taekwondo in no time at all. Many newly Blue Pilled people will go right for the physical skills. But what if you want to kick someone’s ass mentally? In a split-second, your head can be filled with trivia knowledge so obscure it could be considered embarrassing and loserish to know it. No more being humiliated at The Office trivia night at your local bar by the smug members of “Malones Cones”. Instead, you’ll be the one who knows that Jim’s brothers are named Pete and Tom.

2) Impress Ex-Lovers
If you’re anything like me, you’ve dissatisfied many wonderful ladies. When I was first going out with my ex-wife Jackie, she was underwhelmed by my lack of prowess in nearly every aspect of my life. But after using the Matrix to pump up my fashion sense, knowledge of current events, and debonair turns-of-phrase, she was begging me to take her back. And since I used the Matrix to acquire these skills for real, once I got her back it wasn’t based on an elaborate web of lies that could come apart under even minor scrutiny. Unlike last time.

3) Join A B-Ball Team
Most people in the Matrix have no idea they’re living inside an elaborate simulation that is powered by their own life essence. As such, most people are unable to break the laws of physics that you now know are nothing more than arbitrary restrictions of a computer code. Imagine how shocked everyone will be when you show up on the hardwood and you can jump over FIFTY feet in the air. Remember when Jordan dunked from the free throw line? You won’t for long. Soon the story around the courts will be when Phil did a triple-flip slam-dunk from across the court like NBA Jam come to life.

4) Put On A Magic Show
Magicians are always making things vanish and reappear somewhere else to the delight of everyone. You can enjoy the same level of adulation by simply installing a landline phone wherever you want to teleport. Then all you’ll need to do is make a quick call to the operator that’s manning your ship in the nightmarish “real world” and the illusion is complete. Unless your ship is being attacked by sentinel robots. Which it almost certainly will be.

5) Use Bullet Time For Other Stuff
Calling the phenomenon where everything seems to slow down allowing you to move faster than you ever have before “Bullet Time” is doing a huge disservice to what is an incredibly versatile power. How often have you been shot at during your lifetime? Once? Maybe twice? It’s good to be able to dodge bullets in a pinch but I’ve used “Bullet Time” to save hundreds of slices of toast that otherwise would have landed butter side down. You could also add “Bullet Time” to your sexual repertoire if you’re the type of fella that doesn’t have much “stamina” when getting amorous with a lady. It makes it seem like you lasted longer than you did. I’ve never needed to do this, a friend of mine told me about it.

What do you think?

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