I’d like to address the controversy surrounding some of my recent actions. As your sheriff it’s important that I remain trustworthy, so I feel as though I should own up to my shortcomings.
THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY BOOT
Recently, I found a snake in my boot and I’m embarrassed by how I handled it. I panicked and fled, certain that an enormous viper was going to do me in. With the benefit of hindsight, I see now that I overreacted.
I acknowledge that while I was distracted by what I thought to be an anaconda-sized serpent laying in wait for me to make a wrong move, One-Eyed Bart was able to foul our water hole.
I will also confirm that the snake ended up being a harmless garter snake which I later heard described as “unusually small.”
SOMEBODY’S POISONED THE WATER HOLE
Poisoning a water hole requires the venom of several hundred large and especially poisonous snakes. I admit that had my attention not been laser-focused on escaping what turned out to be a single, small, non-venomous snake that was sleeping peacefully in my boot, I may have been able to prevent the horrible attack on our only source of water.
There is no excuse for my negligence.
It is my duty to protect the water hole, regardless of what may be in my boot. I failed to do so. As a result, the water hole has been deemed unusable until further notice. I realize this will impact bath time toys most of all.
YOU’RE MY FAVORITE DEPUTY
I’d also like to address the allegations of favoritism that have been leveled against me by my deputies.
I have worked with many different toys during my time as sheriff and I have had many interactions with my deputies. Many have been negative. The shark put on my hat and mocked how often I say howdy. Slinky Dog recently betrayed me by becoming a forcefield around One-Eyed Bart. I only mention these incidents to provide context into my mindset.
Yes, the allegations are true. I have told someone that he was my favorite deputy.
It was Andy.
He was bouncing me up and down in front of some wallpaper that looked like a mountain vista, pretending to be my horse and I got caught up in the fun of the moment. I thought of it as a private exchange but I see now how anyone who may have observed it would get the impression that Andy and I were inseparable, best buds.
I deeply regret this.
I have no favorite deputy. I consider the contribution of every toy to be valuable. I’m working with my original manufacturing facility to see if I can have this phrase removed from my pull-string entirely so this unacceptable lapse in judgement isn’t repeated.
REACH FOR THE SKY
I would like to take a brief moment to highlight a point of success.
One-Eyed Bart was recently apprehended after robbing the safe. I need not remind you that One-Eyed Bart had a bounty of $50 bzillion on his head and a large gun taped to his hand. Despite all this, I was able to successfully capture him without incident.
However, the treatment One-Eyed Bart received while incarcerated has been called into question. Unfortunately, I failed to properly vet the jailhouse staff. In fact, I later discovered that the guard in charge of monitoring One-Eyed Bart was a very young child who not only bit One-Eyed Bart, but also bashed him repeatedly into the bars of the jail causing him to lose an arm and an ear. Furthermore, what I had believed to be a modern holding facility ended up being a crib with a crudely drawn “JAIL” sign beside it.
I take full responsibility for this lack of diligence.
Due, in large part, to these oversights One-Eyed Bart will be released and, I’m told, resume his life in the community under the assumed name of “Mr. Potato Head.” He is, justifiably, angry for his treatment and will probably be at least a little bit surly in all future interactions.