Dearest Malakili,

During your period of mourning, please accept my humblest apology for the death of the Rancor. A series of mistakes occurred and seeing as I’m the one in charge around here, I have to take responsibility.

Point 1 – The door with the spikes on the bottom that falls really fast if the button gets hit by a rock.

In hindsight, there is no reason at all to have spikes on the bottom of the Rancor door. I also see now that there is no reason for the door to fall as fast as it does when the button gets hit by a rock. When designing the palace, I called on the architects to add as many menacing features as they could. This culminated in doors with spikes on the bottom. What I didn’t realize was that they also built in systems to have the doors drop at tremendous speed when the button malfunctions. As an extra bit of menace. What’s scarier than a heavy door with spikes on the bottom barreling towards you, right? Especially when the door button is already malfunctioning. Mea-culpa, they did attempt to show me the plans and asked “Are you SURE about this?” several times but I handwaved them away each time with a glib “It looks fine” even though I hadn’t even turned my eyes toward what they were trying to get me to look at.

Point 2 – The bone that was exactly the right length to hold the Rancor’s mouth open.

Again, hindsight tells us that having bones the exact right length to prop open the mouth of the Rancor is a bad idea. And, in my defense, this isn’t something that I hadn’t thought of. However, when I sent the clean up crew into the Rancor pit, I guess my bloodlust kinda got the better of me and instead of giving them a chance to clear away the bones of past Rancor victims, I ordered the Rancor turned loose so that they were instead consumed. Obviously, their freshly spit-out bones only made matters worse. It is probably of little comfort but please know that I am addressing this issue by doubling the amount of staff dedicated to removing bones from the Rancor pit. Only time will tell whether this will result in fewer bones in the Rancor pit or many more bones as I feed crew after crew to what will surely be an even more ferocious replacement Rancor. I’ll try to be more discrete in who gets fed to the Rancor in the future, but no promises.

Point 3 – Putting a Jedi in there with the Rancor.

Look, we all saw what happened. I tried to hold my cool but what do you want me to do? This guy barges in here during nap time and starts threatening me? “You can either profit by this or be destroyed”? Who talks like that? I’m Jabba The Fucking Hutt and I’m more civil than this dude was. Can you imagine how fast I’D be in a Rancor pit if I went to any other Hutt’s throne room and started talking shit like that? Then when he force-pulled that blaster into his hands, I just saw red. Had the bones been cleaned up and the doors been designed in a less menacing way, it wouldn’t have even mattered. The Rancor would have eventually worn him down and eaten him like so many Gamorrean guards before. For what it’s worth, I guess I half-expected the Rancor to have been trained for something like this. I always kinda thought you were training it for battle. What DO you do down there? Are you just feeding it and leaving for the day? I’m thinking we should probably schedule a quick meeting to discuss your duties around here since we’ll be bringing a new Rancor onboard and it’d be great to make sure that our visions for it align before we commit to having you “keep” the new one.

Look, I made some wrong moves, no excuses. As a small token of how sorry I am, I have scheduled a trip out to the Sarlacc pit to have the Jedi digested over 1000 years. I want you to be there on the Sail Barge with me to witness it. It’s the least I can do to make it up to you.

Sincerely,
His Excellency Jabba Desilijic Tiure of Nal Hutta, Eminence of Tatooine