Choosing a sandwich is a difficult decision. With the sheer variety of options, the average person can be overwhelmed. This guide is intended to help you make the right choice in sandwich to satisfy your palate but also put your mind at ease. No more humming and hawing when you get up to the front of the line. Order your lunch with confidence!
BLT (BACON, LETTUCE & TOMATO)
A tried and true recipe. The first BLT was considered a daring experiment. It was created during a time when sandwiches were still being pioneered and were often just two slices of bread with a handful of rocks between them. The concept of using three different ingredients was a revolution at the time. Fast forward to today, an era of sandwiches that can contain upwards of ten condiments alone and the BLT looks it’s age.
The bacon combined with the lettuce and tomato creates a taste that can only be described as “exactly what I expected.” Two-thirds ideal for a vegetarian. However, the bacon can be substituted with your favorite faux-bacon (soy bacon, corn bacon, tofacon, etc.) with only a 94% loss in overall sandwich flavour. A boring sandwich, favoured by accountants who account (ahem) for over 93% of BLT regulars.
PROS:
- contains bacon
- not likely to draw attention to you
CONS:
- contains lettuce and tomato
- not likely to draw attention to you
REUBEN
Contrary to popular belief, the sandwich known as the Reuben is not named for American pornographer Reuben Sturman. Instead, it’s an acronym created by using the first letters of the last names of the six intrepid sandwich scientists that first conceived of this delicious sandwich.
The Reuben is the only sandwich on this list that we wouldn’t recommend making at home. As of last year, the copyright owners (the grandchildren of the “Sandwich Six”) have been aggressively pursuing those that attempt a Reuben without adhering to the strict guidelines laid down for proper construction of the sandwich by the International Sandwich Standards Committee.
PROS:
- amazing flavour
- sophisticated
- you could name your child after it without people thinking you’re way too into sandwiches
CONS:
- could cause confusion during ordering if the person serving you is named Reuben
HOTDOG
A fierce debate has been raging in the sandwich community. Are hotdogs the best sandwich or just a very good sandwich? Wherever you come down on this controversial issue, you’re sure to agree that a hot dog is a tasty treat for anyone from a sandwich aficionado to a newborn child experiencing the pleasure of a sandwich for the very first time.
The hotdog is a versatile sandwich. It’s equally comfortable being slathered with the cheapest catsup as it is being drizzled with gourmet ketchup.
PROS:
- convenient
- comes in many different lengths for differing appetites
CONS:
- it kinda looks like you’re eating something else. YOU know what I mean. A sausage on a bun. Which is not a sandwich at all
KNUCKLE SANDWICH
While not strictly a bread/meat/condiment concoction, the knuckle sandwich can still be a delight to the adventurous eater. Recent studies suggest that consuming too many knuckle sandwiches can lead to concussions and other brain damage. Enjoy in moderation.
You can easily prepare this sandwich at home by riling up an unstable neighbour. We’ve found that a loud insult about his mother or wife is the right price for a quick knuckle sandwich. Some neighbours will even offer a two-for-one deal if you tip generously. This is great for convenience but to truly enjoy a next-level knuckle sandwich experience, we recommend going to a boxing gym and refusing headgear.
PROS:
- readily available
- sustainable
CONS:
- can’t make them for yourself
ICE CREAM SANDWICH
Not a great sandwich. Unable to be used in a panini press, prone to giving you a “brain freeze” and melty on a hot day. Producers of this abomination have caught on to it’s lack of popularity and are constantly attempting to deceive sandwich lovers with more sophisticated technology. They’ve used cookies, different ice cream flavours, different shapes and many other types of chicanery to conceal the fact that you’re eating an ice cream sandwich. Don’t be fooled.
PROS:
- you get to say the word “sandwich” when you order it
CONS:
- you have to chase a truck playing melodic chimes to get one
- small holes are poked in the “bread” resulting in less total sandwich volume
- comes in a non-descript white paper wrapper like alcohol or pornography
MEATBALL SUB
A simple sandwich but one that packs in the benefits of every single group on the food pyramid. The perfect healthy snack, containing over 300% of your required cheese for the day.
A great way to spruce up a meatball sub is to add extra meatballs.
PROS:
- authentic Italiano cuisine
- could work well as a pun if you’re attending a fancy party centered around meat
CONS:
- highly addictive
- not an actual submarine