Enacting a fire ban is foolish for several reasons.

You’re ensuring that The Human Torch won’t be making any appearances in the event that someone needs a hero to save them leaving less effective heroes as their only option. This would also effect Ghost Rider’s head and motorbike, leaving him with only a skull and no wheels.

It would hamper recreational use of Elon Musk’s flamethrowers. It would also hamper professional use of Elon Musk’s flamethrowers.

What about eternal flames of remembrance or the Olympic torch? If it were up to the people enacting the fire ban, carrying the Olympic torch across international borders would be considered flame trafficking.

People looking for love would be told to put those plans on hold, as officials wouldn’t want any “sparks” forming, especially a flame as dangerous as love. Burning/smouldering passion would also be forbidden.

Say you’re attacked by a large tarantula, or perhaps an entire pack of spiders. Your best defense is an aerosol can and a lighter, right? Wrong. A fire ban would see you mercilessly defeated by spiders in the absence of an effective self-defense tool.

fire ban 2
Some of the prohibited items covered by the fire ban.

Thinking of getting rid of that Ouija board? Better hope that merely chopping it up with an axe will suffice, because the best way to get rid of it, burning it in a fire, would no longer be an option.

Say there’s an item that you’d really like to retrieve, but it’s behind a wall of ice. Don’t reach for that Flame Rod. And don’t get tricky and try to use a Flame Spell. Those would also be banned.

How would Burger King be allowed to continue their operations? Flame. Grilled. Burgers. Sounds like a problem.

raw burger
A burger cooked without the dangerous flames of fire.

Rappers who are proficient at their craft would be silenced for fear that they’ll “spit fire”, which is prohibited by all fire bans.

Don’t even think of watching those episodes of Firefly that you were looking forward to enjoying tonight. You know why? Fire ban.

Firefighters would also complain about the lack of fires available to fight. Imagine you’re a firefighter, training intensely to do your job, when suddenly the city decides that fire will no longer be allowed. Sad.

Companies would also be forced to retain employees they were looking forward to firing. With these restrictions in place, employees could get away with anything they want without fear.

The fire ban would also hope to address the issue of the Sun, a burning ball of gas in the sky which thus far has not complied with the current restrictions.


What do you think?

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