A quick google of “what food are you” will bring up many different tests that you can take to figure out what meal you are. When I encountered cannibals, they ate everyone else, but left me alive, and eventually let me go. It was one of the most insulting experiences of my life. I have prepared a review of my experience, but first, some facts.

Here are some factual reasons why the cannibals are fools for not eating me:

  1. I’m in good physical condition which would make my meat firm but tender.
  2. I posses a slender but athletic build, which houses many quality meat options.
  3. I’m physically agile and capable of sprinting, bicycling, and scaling fences with ease, which would have made their hunt challenging and fun.
  4. I have a penis size frequently described as “small” or “smaller than average” and cannibals often discard the penis as waste, which means waste will be minimal, like my tiny penis.

Now that we have concluded with the facts portion of this article, I will present my best recollection of the events that took place and provide my rating.

The members of my party who were fast runners (as am I, foolish cannibals) were the first to be hunted, killed, and eaten. I attribute this to fast food addiction. Even with my slender athletic frame, it’s tough for me to pass on a fast food meal so I can’t blame the cannibals for choosing the same. You want to eat fast food while it’s hot, not after it’s been sitting for a long time. At this time, I was facing the ocean, watching a whale and enjoying my vacation on the boat, so it makes sense that I wasn’t the first to be eaten.

The fat members of my party were the next to fall as they tried to run, but gravity made it difficult for them to flee with any large degree of success. It’s no secret that fat equals flavour, and everyone wants a flavourful meal. I didn’t begrudge the cannibals for deciding to eat the fatties after the runners, as flavour was a clear factor in their decision making. By this point, I had made it to the beach to see what all the fuss was about. Screaming is the last thing someone wants to hear while their on vacation, and I had to see what was making all that racket.

A couple members of my group had suffered (legitimately, like myself in this instance) sun burn much to the delight of the cannibals that struck them down next. Crispy skin is something that people enjoy eating whether it’s on a delicious chicken sandwich, or a sandwich with a meat like human flesh, that tastes like chicken (or so I’m told). I don’t know if it was coincidence that the sun burnt people were also southerners from Kentucky, but the cannibals said they were so good to eat that they licked their fingers afterwards.

At this point I began to wonder about my placement on the menu. Sure the cannibals were filling up on the others, but as anyone who’s been to a buffet before will attest, there’s always room for more.

Cannibals kept going past me. It was at this point that I began to wonder, incorrectly,  if I was the problem. Reaching into my bag I began to shake seasoning salts on my body. I shouted “What am I, chopped liver?!” Which made the cannibals around me stop in their tracks. The slowly turned and looked at me.

This was it, this was the moment I had been waiting for. Then it happened. Instead of killing me and eating my flesh as a delicious meal… they laughed. I was devastated.

I have a history of getting left out and excluded from things, and this situation proved to be no different. The trip was supposed to be ALL INCLUSIVE as it stated in the brochure. I joined the trip to be included in group activities, and here I was being left out once again.

The cannibals realized that I was in fact NOT chopped liver. Sure I contained a liver, but they couldn’t contain their laughter at my joke. I hadn’t intended to make a joke, I was just trying to figure out why they wouldn’t include me in their meal choices. In the end the joke was on me. I was to be spared on the basis that cannibals never eat a person who can make them laugh.

I give this vacation 4/5 and will recommend it to others.

What do you think?

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