To Whom It May Concern,
Greetings! My name is Geoffrey Truthman and I’m interested in applying for the Head Swindler position.
I feel as though my education makes me uniquely qualified for this position. As a newborn, I attended a Pre-School specifically tailored to deceitful children between the ages of five and eight. Despite being only one year old at the time, my father claimed I was five years old but had a growth hormone deficiency. When later confronted about the fact that I seemed to be growing at the normal rate of a child, my father dressed as a prominent doctor and performed surgery on me to “cure” me of my “malady”. Full disclosure, my father is currently serving a life sentence for fraud and is unable to receive phone calls about this time in my life by court order. However, he has written a letter and attached it to a carrier pigeon that often visits his cell which confirms these events. The pigeon should arrive at my home shortly at which point I will be glad to send it along for your consideration.
I’ve also attended several prestigious universities and attained advanced degrees in lying. While at Yale, I majored in historical flim-flam/malarkey. However, I’m also keenly interested in contemporary deceit and I’ve made sure to keep up to date with developing trends. For instance, I have catfished and used the, now cliché, “Nigerian Prince” style scam on strangers of all ages. Whereas some of my peers choose to target the elderly, I prefer to go after more savvy people since I find it more rewarding to trick someone who is less susceptible. I’ve also used the anonymity of the internet to impersonate relatives and spread misinformation about acquaintances.
Further, I believe that my employment history speaks for itself. I am unable to provide any references, however, as I recently lost my phone and I hadn’t backed it up so my contacts are lost. But if you could get ahold of them, several of my past employers are so dedicated to the art of manipulation that they would pretend to have never spoken with me in any capacity and claim that the phone number you’ve dialed belongs to someone else. Others would insist I was a terrible employee and that the position I’ve claimed to hold there doesn’t even exist. Some would even go so far as to appear completely confused about the subject matter.
Finally, in addition to my highly impressive but virtually untraceable employment history, in my personal life, I routinely lie to strangers who I interact with. Last week an old woman asked me for directions to a business that I knew had shut down several months ago. I provided her with a very specific route that not only led her away from her desired location but also sent her directly into the worst part of town which I knew contained no alternative options for the type of store she was looking for. Some choose to lie only at work. I firmly believe you should lie for the love of it and not simply to make a dollar.
I’ve read up on your company and I’m impressed that it’s the very first business to ever exist. Since you trace your company history back to the year 5,000 BC/the dawn of commerce and are the inventors of the concept of money, I believe that you understand the importance of hiring only the baldest faced liars. I assure you that if you hire me, you’ll get a person with absolutely no sense of honesty. I give you my word.
Phone: (555) 555-1234
- 2010 – Doctor of Bamboozling – Harvard School Of Obfuscation – Graduated Maxima Cum Laude
- 2008 – BU – Bachelor of Untruths – Wellesly College
- 2005 – High School valedictorian
- 2016-Present – Head Fibber – International Deceivers
– Responsible for irresponsible stories.
– Managed over 15,000 employees.
– Offered the rank of Supreme Overseer Of All Company Business but turned it down to give other companies a fighting chance.
- 2012-2015 – Decision Maker – Totally Real Corp.
– Made all decisions regarding the totally real business dealings of the company.
– Unfortunately, the company burnt down yesterday with every employee perishing and all business records being destroyed.
- 2011-2012 – Lead Of Trust – The Honesty Corporation
– Responsible for maintaining the integrity of the company.
– I realize this looks bad on my resume but I thought it was better than leaving a gap. I needed to pay the bills after college. I lied as often as I could.
- 1999-2003 – Lemonade Stand – Owned by my brother
– Stole money from the cash box.
– Convinced brother that my urine was lemonade.