Diary Of An Executioner

portrait

14th day of March, 1584:
I finally got hired on! Been dreaming of this job for as long as I can remember. Can’t wait to start contributing to the team. Gotta stay “sharp”! Ha ha ha! I heard the head executioner say that and I thought it was great.

17th day of March, 1584:
Training is going okay. I’ve been partnering with Jackson. We take turns pretending to cut each others heads off with dull axes. It’s alright but I’m getting eager to get started working!

21st day of March, 1584:
Training accident today. My axe was “axe”identally (Ha ha! Head executioner is always on point) too sharp and Jackson was decapitated. Actually, I think beheaded is the official designation. Seems like we should standardize and just go with becapitated/beheaded or decapitated/deheaded. I’d personally choose “de” if it was up to me but I’ve heard quite a few of the other guys talking about “be” since it’s already beheaded and it’s less red tape that way. So who knows what’ll happen.

Jackson
Woodcutting of the events of the 21st day of March, 1584. I can’t believe this is what’s going to commemorate my first execution.

25th day of March, 1584:
Finally got to execute a real prisoner. It went smooth but it didn’t feel quite right. The head executioner used the head as a hand puppet during the feast afterwards which made me laugh but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that Jackson had robbed me of a true first execution experience. Got drunk on mead and decided to start fresh tomorrow. Big political prisoner coming in. A guy who did treason. A treasoner? We’re supposed to break out some advanced stuff so it’ll be all hands on deck. I just hope I’ll be able to cut off all those hands…

26th day of March, 1584:
Up early. I deheaded a couple of the lesser prisoners before the big show gets started. It was embarrassing to see how few people come to throw vegetables at some of these prisoners. Makes you wonder why they didn’t just decapitate themselves. I’ll check back in later. Exciting day!

26th day of March, 1584 (Entry 2):
The big execution ended up being a big dud. One of my fellow executioners decided to showboat and finish the job after only ONE torture move. A treasoner deserves more than that. The king deserves to see more than that. Which is exactly what the king said. Should be fun to execute the overzealous executioner tomorrow. I had a chat with him while he was in the stocks and we talked shop. I picked up a few things I hadn’t heard of before. Hope I can impress him.

27th day of March, 1584:
A mostly satisfying execution. The king seemed distracted. I guess it’s probably unfair of me to expect everyone to think of executions all the time just because I do but I felt like some of the moves I was doing were a bit more advanced and I know for a fact that the guy being executed realized that. He obviously didn’t speak since his tongue had been removed by the pre-torture team but the look in his eyes definitely said “job well done.” Would have been nice had the king said the same.

Showboat
Woodcutting of the events of the 27th day of March, 1584. Huge crowd. Too bad the king was so distant. But he has seen a lot of these.

3rd day of April, 1584:
The head executioner held up a head after an execution and I said “Heads up!” and everyone in the crowd started laughing. At the feast afterwards I overheard the head executioner telling people that HE had said “Heads up!” and I got pretty upset. Got drunk on grog and decided to shake it off.

7th day of April, 1584:
Execution successful.

16th day of April, 1584:
Execution successful.

30th day of April, 1584:
Quite a few executions successful. Sorry for not updating.

10th day of May, 1584:
I’m kinda losing motivation for this job. The last few executions have been totally routine. Half the time the prisoners aren’t even begging for their lives so there’s no mental sparring and the number of executions have gone up so far you can barely personalize each execution anyways. Just chop, chop, chop. Lunch. Chop, chop, chop. Feast. Chop. Home. Then do it all again. We were doing drawing and quartering there for a few days but then it went right back to becapitation. Oh yeah, we have to use becapitation/behead or face death by becapitation. I’m really thinking of handing in my resignation. I’m just worried they’ll “head me off” (take that, head executioner) and decide to have me beheaded first.

13th day of May, 1584:
Tough day. My mask slipped over my eyes during an axe swing and I missed the prisoner and cut off my toe. Super embarrassing. Of course our illustrious head executioner was there with a HILARIOUS joke about how I needed to “toe the line”. I need to get back to my roots. I realize that there are a lot of peasants who think the wrong way and need to be dealt with but where’s the love? This is like an assembly line. A good executioner shouldn’t be worried about the quality of the prisoner he’s executing. It’s about the pride you take in your craft. Motto for the day: “Stay true to your vision.”

14th day of May, 1584:
Turns out that treasoner was kind of a big deal to most of the peasants. They seized the king and decapitated him (nice not to have to use “be” anymore) which was laughably amateur. Made me realize how far I’d come. Is that what I looked like trying to dehead someone before? Just hopelessly sawing away until it FINALLY comes off? Watching them struggle almost felt like I was the one being executed. Which I most likely will be later today after a group trial with all the other executioners. I tried to blame the head executioner but it turned out the peasants had also been “butchering” his execution while I was watching them finish the king. At least we get a trial.

peasants
Woodcutting of the events of the 14th day of May, 1584. Done by a peasant, obviously. Real solid work on the woodcutting, guys. The realm is clearly in good hands.

14th day of May, 1584 (Entry 2):
Trial went about as well as expected. They’re bringing in something called a “guillotine” to execute us. They say it’s a more efficient way to execute people. I’ve been saying that technology will kill the human element of this job for awhile now. Nice to be right about that but I didn’t expect it to play out quite so quickly. Sad to think about that. More sad about my pending death.

What do you think?