Local Man Has Breakfast For First Time

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Some say it’s the most important meal of the day, others say it’s simply the first meal of the day but one man has been saving himself for the most important meal of his life; breakfast. Ed Munton (35) is a local resident who knows a thing or two about food, but was understandably nervous to be having his first breakfast so late in life. “I’m almost never awake before noon so my earliest meal is usually lunch. I was a breakfast virgin,” he told us in a phone interview conducted recently.

He described breakfast as “being a lot like lunch, only earlier” and said his overall experience was “fine I guess.”  As someone who has “avoided eating cereal due to its association with killers,” Munton decided to go with a classic breakfast choice; a short stack of buttered pancakes with a single scoop of vanilla ice cream and a generous amount of syrup. “I hope I’m doing this right. This is so new for me,” he said before clumsily grabbing his utensils.

The breakfast industry can be difficult to navigate for a first timer. “There’s a certain stigma that comes attached with never having eaten breakfast before. A lot of chefs don’t want to make it for me,” Munton exclaimed. “They want a customer who’s eaten breakfast before and knows what they’re doing at the table when the breakfast arrives. They don’t want a newbie.”

When asked why he simply didn’t make himself breakfast rather than rely on a restaurant to provide it, Munton replied “Betrayal often comes from those closest to you, and no one is closer to me than myself. For that reason, I’d be the last person I’d let make me breakfast,” which is surprisingly sound logic.

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“I’ve been saving myself for this moment.” – Ed Munton

Munton prematurely paid for the bill which surprised the staff at the restaurant. We contacted the diner’s chef Frank “Furt” McMurray  who remarked “Is this about my divorce?” followed by “Ususally people come in here, they order, eat their meal, pay their server and then leave. This guy wanted to pay right away, was kind of weird about it.”

When asked about the handling of the bill, Munton said “I had been watching a lot of breakfast videos leading up to that moment. I knew I was going to want to try a few different things and I didn’t want to be thinking about money the entire time.”

Lunch and dinner (supper) seem to have lost their luster (shine) in Munton’s eyes. “Now that I’ve opened up to eating breakfast, having lunch and dinner seems like going backwards.”

But a world of all day breakfast is actually harmful according to local doctor Beau Mont-Leduc “Breakfast is a gateway meal,” says Dr. Beau Mont-Leduc, an expert in the field of mealology. “In a recent medical study, we confirmed that over ninety-three percent of violent criminals in prison have eaten a breakfast meal at one point during their lifetime. Facts don’t lie.”

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“Breakfast is a gateway meal.” – Dr. Beau Mont-Leduc

Dr. Mont-Leduc believes the link between violent crime and breakfast is undeniable. “Look at the numbers! If you find me one violent criminal who hasn’t eaten a breakfast I’ll eat my hat,” he shouted from his office window. He refused to meet with us in person as he said he was busy with clients, but said he looked forward to shouting at us from his window again.

For Ed Munton life will soon return to normal. “I’m a simple man with simple tastes. Sure, I’m a celebrity now but how long can that possibly last? Seriously how long do I have left?!” He pondered. One thing seems certain: no matter where you live, it’s breakfast time somewhere.

Do YOU eat breakfast? Tell us about a memorable breakfast experience you’ve had in the comments section below.

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