1) Blue Jay
WHAT’S COOL ABOUT IT:
Vibrant color. Great looking head plume. How cute, it’s eating a peanut! Blue Jays are so cool there’s even a professional sports team named after them. Sure, it’s a Canadian team but still. To pile on even more cool-points, Blue Jays are one of only two birds shouted out by name in a Beatles song. So why aren’t they cool?
WHAT’S HOLDING IT BACK:
An obvious name. Oh, you’re a jay bird that’s blue? And you’re called a Blue Jay? Real creative. You know how easy it would have been for Cardinals to be called Red Grosbeaks? Better luck next time.
SIDENOTE: The Blackbird also squanders the rare Beatles endorsement with an even more generic and uncool name.
2) Ostrich
WHAT’S COOL ABOUT IT:
Whoosh! What just ran by me?!?! It was huge! Was it a Velociraptor? No, it was an Ostrich, the fastest runner of all birds.
Ouch! It kicked me and I think it’s pretty serious. Are you SURE that wasn’t a Velociraptor? No, still an Ostrich. They kick with their legs unlike other birds who use talons and beaks to fight.
Such a versatile bird with unexpected skills. It HAS to be cool. I’m afraid not.
WHAT’S HOLDING IT BACK:
You’d think it would be flightlessness but not being able to fly when all other birds can fly makes ostriches non-conforming renegades who don’t take orders from “The Man”. Super cool. The real problem for the Ostrich is cowardice. Ostriches bury their heads in the sand when they gets scared. Being brave is a prerequisite for coolness.
3) Raven
WHAT’S COOL ABOUT IT:
If Ravens could talk, they would never shut up about the Edgar Allan Poe poem that was named after them. Rightfully so. That poem did a lot for Ravens. You’re likely to see Ravens hanging around a graveyard which only adds to the brooding, mysterious aura surrounding them. What could possibly make them uncool?
WHAT’S HOLDING IT BACK:
I just saw a Raven! Did you though? Or was it a common Crow? It’s really hard to tell these birds apart. Who is copying who? You need to stand out to be cool. Furthermore, a group of Crows is called a “murder” while a group of Ravens is called an “unkindness”. Seems like you should probably just be hanging out with Crows instead.
4) Pink Flamingo
WHAT’S COOL ABOUT IT:
Have you ever seen a Pink Flamingo standing on two legs? They do everything on one leg. Eating, hanging out, relaxing. They even sleep standing on one leg. I can’t stand on one leg for more than a few minutes without falling over. Their casualness about doing something so demanding show the Pink Flamingos “I don’t give a care” attitude. Pink Flamingos are also the inspiration for the iconic pink flamingo lawn ornament that every cool person has in front of their home.
WHAT’S HOLDING IT BACK:
The Pink Flamingo has never recovered from the croquet scene in Alice In Wonderland. Before that film, people never would have thought to use a Pink Flamingo as a golf club. Now, the only thing holding back top PGA golfers from having a bag full of Pink Flamingos is animal cruelty laws. Hiding behind the law? Not cool.
SIDENOTE: If I was stocking a golf bag with birds, I’d make sure to include not only a Pink Flamingo for it’s scoop like beak (Wedges) but also an Ostrich for it’s compact head (Woods) and maybe a Spoonbill for it’s long flat bill (Putting).
5) Emu
WHAT’S COOL ABOUT IT:
A leaner, meaner version of the ostrich. No head burying at all. Same kick strength. Pretty fast. Nice! This is a cool bird. Nothing could possibly change tha……
WHAT’S HOLDING IT BACK:
Even though Emus solve all the worst problems of the Ostrich, they’re a bit shrimpy. If you saw an Ostrich and an Emu side by side you’d think it was a before and after for one of those “get pumped up” ads in old comic books with the Emu filling the role of the sand-kicked-in-face nerd who just got his girlfriend stolen by the muscular jock Ostrich. Plus, just not being an Ostrich isn’t enough to be cool. Emus bring nothing interesting of their own to the table.
6) Ladybird
WHAT’S COOL ABOUT IT:
Ladybirds are totally unfazed by what other birds are doing. Their willingness to follow their own unique path makes Ladybirds some of the coolest birds around.
- Birds have hollow bones. Not the Ladybird. Instead, they buck the trend by having no bones whatsoever. Ladybirds actually have their skeleton on the outside.
- Whereas most birds have their wings where their arms would be if they had arms, Ladybirds store their wings inside their garage door like back that opens up to reveal them.
- The Ladybird is over 100 times smaller than the so-called “smallest” bird, the Hummingbird.
You could honestly go on all day about how different Ladybirds are from all other birds. This dedication to individuality should be enough to make this a top tier cool bird, right?
WHAT’S HOLDING IT BACK
A Ladybird is not a bird at all. Turns out it was a bug the whole time. Whoops. If Ladybirds were more confident about their inherent coolness, they’d go by Ladybug. Trying to slip undetected from the ultra-competitive world of cool bugs into the more relaxed standards of bird coolness reeks of desperation.
7) Peregrine Falcon
WHAT’S COOL ABOUT IT:
Peregrine Falcons are an endangered species which means that any Peregrine Falcon you meet could be the last of their kind. That’s pretty cool. Peregrine Falcons have also been leaving their traditional habitats of forests and mountains to live in cities more often in recent years. Probably drawn to the haute cuisine, trendy fashions and cultural sophistication that makes one cool but is so rarely found in heavily wooded areas. Finally, Peregrine Falcons are hunting birds that eat what they catch and aren’t reliant on bird feeders. Not needing anything from anyone is a hallmark of coolness.
WHAT’S HOLDING IT BACK:
It has recently come to light that this once untouchably cool bird has been taking government handouts for decades, relying on the authorities to keep it afloat. In fact, due to their long-term partnership with the powers that be, Peregrine Falcons are no longer considered endangered at all. There’s so many that we’re practically tripping over these birds now. Getting in bed with state officials is about as uncool as it gets. Guess it’s back to being second-fiddle to the Golden Eagle. A sad decline for a once very cool bird.