I’m Phil Sanderson. I’ve been abducted by aliens on three separate occasions.

I remember each abduction vividly.

My first abduction happened on August 14th, 2007.

On a normal evening, I’d go to the pub with my mates after work before heading home. This evening, I was abducted. When I got home, my wife Sheila was there with a bunch of our friends. Everyone had brought gifts, I guess to console her. They were also eating a chocolate cake that had Sheila’s name on it to comfort themselves. Sheila got a deep frown on her face the moment she saw me. She must have been worried sick. She didn’t want to talk at first but I was finally able to tell her what happened. She had trouble coming to grips with it. To cope, she actually accused me of being at the pub drinking with the lads but after I explained that the alien knock-out juice they used to subdue me smelled remarkably similar to my favorite lager, she finally accepted what had happened. I reassured her that it was highly unlikely I’d be abducted again on her next birthday.

My second abduction took place only a few months later, on October 16th, 2007.

It was late in the evening when the alien craft returned me to Earth. I walked into our home and no one was there. Sheila had left a note for me on the fridge. I assumed she was out with a search party but the note said that she had an appointment to go to a fancy restaurant. The note further explained that she had taken our best bottle of champagne with her. I decided to lay down for awhile since I was feeling lightheaded as an after-effect of quite a lot of alien knock-out juice. That’s when I noticed my tuxedo was laid out on the bed. I also remember seeing our wedding photo on the floor. It must have fallen off the wall with some force because it was down the hall from where it normally hung. In fact, the front glass was cracked and the picture itself had my face scratched out of it. I called Sheila on her cell to tell her I was abducted again and she sounded really upset. Her relief that I had been returned must have overwhelmed her emotions. She again accused me of being at the pub with the fellas but this time I had the tell-tale signs of a stamp the aliens put on my hand to gain re-entry to their ship, The Fox And Castle. She remained skeptical but was forced to admit that she wasn’t a scientist and therefore was unable to debunk alien life with 100% certainty. I promised that if I were abducted again I’d mention the date of our anniversary so the aliens wouldn’t get me next year.

My third abduction occurred over the Christmas holidays. On December 23rd, 2007, I was abducted. I wasn’t returned to Earth until December 27th, 2007.

I was abducted mere hours after getting the fantastic news that Sheila’s parents were going to be spending time at our home over Christmas. I had already agreed to have Sheila’s sister and her many babies stay with us so I was overjoyed to learn that even more in-laws would be around. I’m fortunate enough to enjoy the unceasing noise of a large family, unlike my best friend George. He spends the holiday season alone, watching sports and playing video games, only getting dressed and emerging from his flat to get more lager. The poor guy. As I contemplated how George and I had taken two entirely different paths, I was abducted once more. When I finally got back home it was the evening after all my beloved in-laws had left. The aliens released me with maximum time between everyone clearing out and when I had to head in to work the next morning after the break. Sheila lost it when she saw me. I guess her fear for my safety manifested as anger. I tried to explain that the aliens had sent me subliminal messages to pack for a week or so of abduction which is why I had my suitcase, but she wasn’t having it. I let her know that I told the aliens our anniversary was on September 15th but that just made her even angrier. She accused me of staying at George’s place and even said she had received a phone call from me on Christmas day. I tried to explain that the alien craft sounds surprisingly like a butt-dial of George and I watching a football game but she didn’t believe me. Sheila said she wanted a divorce. Even though my mind was foggy with what felt like a more than usual amount of alien knock-out juice, I still couldn’t believe that she would betray me right after my longest abduction yet.

I haven’t been abducted again since Sheila left but when the person I’m now seeing said “I Love You” for the first time, I swore I heard the engines of the alien ship, just off in the distance.

What do you think?

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