Frank Johnson is suffering because of climate change. Long thought of as “The Guy Who Wears Shorts During The Winter” by all his friends and family, Frank is losing the reputation he’s worked so hard to cultivate. As the number of temperate days continues to soar, Frank has been forced to try more unconventional methods to maintain his commitment to wearing shorts in cold weather. We spoke with Frank in the early morning hours before most people had even woken up for the day.
“Four in the morning seems to be the sweet spot. It’s the only time I can guarantee it’s going to be cold enough that wearing shorts is unusual,” said Johnson. Where he once could have expected hundreds of stares during a snowy day, Frank now draws only a small handful of looks from the few people up scraping their cars for an early shift. “The number of people who look my way has dropped significantly. By noon of most days, the weather is warm enough that shorts don’t stand out at all. Not that I do this for the attention,” said Johnson.
Frank has found that many options for upholding his image have been changing as well. “I had been going to Alaska for many years. Literally no one wears shorts there. Then it started heating up so I switched to the North Pole. Now that the glaciers are starting to melt away, I’m running out of places to go,” Johnson lamented. Frank also confided that lately he’d been wearing shorts in walk-in refrigerators at local ice cream shops. Sadly, this artificial substitute can’t measure up to the real thing. “There just isn’t enough employees that need access to a walk-in refrigerator, so very few people see that I’m wearing shorts when it’s cold. Not that I do it for the attention,” reiterated Johnson.
Frank’s wife, Francine Johnson, has noticed the change in her husband’s attitude. “Winter used to be his favorite time. He just loved how everyone looked his way when they saw him wearing shorts during a blizzard. But lately, he’s been talking about wanting to move away. He’s been trying to figure out which city has the highest population density and lowest temperature. He wants some of that attention he was getting back,” she told us as Frank stood by, wishing she’d shut up.
In a positive twist, we caught up with Frank again as the summer was approaching and he seemed happier than ever. “I’ve decided I’m going to become ‘The Guy Who Takes His Shirt Off On Warm Days.’ People always notice a guy with no shirt on. Not that I’d be doing it for the attention,” said Frank with a beaming smile on his face. With the number of sunny days sure to rise, Frank should have his new reputation in no time.