LAND ANIMALS
Communal watering holes have been shut down indefinitely.
Giraffes are in a great position to social distance the required two meters on account of the fact that giraffes are naturally anti-social and don’t like being around other animals. Also, their necks are quite long.
Pigs must self isolate in their pen even if they think their symptoms are from a common swine flu.
Cats should lick their paws for at least twenty seconds before rubbing them against their faces.
Horses, goats and cows are physically incapable of covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze. However, they are also physically incapable of touching their faces.
Packs must remain smaller than ten animals in size.
To reduce panic, cats wearing gloves to cover their paws should stop doing that walk they all do when they have something on their paws.
Bears have clearly been watching this develop as most are prepped and in hibernation until the curve has been flattened.
BIRDS
“Flying V” formations must observe two meters of distance between each bird.
Birds must self isolate in their nest even if they think their symptoms are from a common bird flu.
Symbiotic relationships like those birds that live in the mouths of alligators are considered extremely high risk. When these birds move from gator to gator, they can become super-spreaders.
Vultures, buzzards and other scavenging birds should have a carcass dropped off outside and discard all exterior layers of detritus before eating. Please remember to tip your local predator.
Many countries have restricted bird flights. Birds that have flown south for the winter should return to their natural habitat as soon as possible.
Flocks must remain smaller than ten birds in size.
Mating dances have been postponed.
Penguins living in Antarctica are currently considered low risk.
SEA CREATURES
The virus may be airborne but it’s not waterborne. Great news for fish! Since the disease requires lungs, fish are considered totally immune!
Schools of fish can operate as normal with no restrictions.
Sea turtles are considered very high risk as their lifespan is a whopping 150 years.
Dolphins that leap up out of the sea are required to self isolate in a cove upon splashdown.
Otters and other sea creatures with hands need not worry about washing them since they’re in the ocean all the time anyways.
INSECTS
“Catching a bug” is a slang term for being infected with the virus. Please be aware that humans are not actively hunting for insects at this time.
Insects tend to ignore social distancing completely, crawling all over each other and other animals. In fact, many insect hives see bugs living only millimeters apart. Well below the recommended two meters.
Caterpillars that are in their cocoon should self isolate at least two weeks before emerging. If you can be in a cocoon, you should be.
It’s very difficult to shut down a bee hive for any length of time since bees are literal drones, born only to work.
Swarms must remain smaller than ten bugs in size.
The world insect population is 10,000,000,000,000,000,000. If even 1% get the virus, that’s over 100,000,000,000,000,000 infected.
HUMAN/ANIMAL INTERACTION
Sled dogs have been deemed essential transportation and should be wearing a mask at all times when pulling human passengers.
Dogs should stop shaking a paw immediately.
If a thrown stick is fetched, dogs must self isolate for two weeks before bringing the stick back.
Flies should avoid landing on human faces. Instead, try to land on elbows.
Vets offering to sterilize animals should be avoided at this time as sterilize means something much different in this context.
Zoos are considering releasing low risk animals like sloths and capybaras to help prevent the spread in captivity. Dangerous animals like snakes and poisonous frogs will continue to be held.
Most veterinarians are operating with zero ventilators.
If you thought people hated bats before, oh man. All the good will people were offering up through Batman is over and done with now. Expect a bat to be the villain in every movie that needs an animal antagonist for at least the next 15 years.