1) Being Next To Someone Who Is Dying
Sure, you’re TECHNICALLY having a near-death experience but is this really something that your friends will be impressed by? Depending on how spectacular the death you’re standing next to is, this could overshadow your experience completely. You MAY be able to impress your friends by standing next to someone who died of a simple heart attack or aneurysm but if they get shot by a harpoon gun or run down by a stampeding wild animal? Forget it.

2) Missing A Plane That Then Crashes
You’re running to catch your flight but since you got started late, you miss it. You watch from the window dejected as the plane takes off.  You start to head home in your car. Just then, the radio reports a plane crash. No survivors. It was the flight you were scheduled to be on. Yes! You’ve created a Final Destination scenario for yourself that makes every remaining moment of your life a near-death experience! Unfortunately, like most movies, Final Destination isn’t a blueprint for how to have a near-death experience. In fact, it’s 100% fictional. If your friends ask if anyone survived, they’ll almost certainly roll their eyes when you claim that YOU were the only one to escape the carnage.

3) A Surgical Mishap
Every single day, people are almost killed on the operating table. Sweet! What a great way to have a near death experience! Imagine how wronged you’ll feel when you wake up and you’ve been deprived of an incredible near-death experience through the wonders of modern medicine. You’d be better off letting whatever you’re getting surgery for to progress to the point where it’s life threatening. Best case scenario, you remember the bright lights. But even then, you’ll always wonder if it was the warm, welcoming glow of eternal paradise or just the utilitarian glare of the fluorescents in the operating theater.

4) Actually Dying
You were so close. You WERE near death but, unfortunately, you sailed right past that into being fully dead. Better luck next time. You think anyone will be talking about your near-death experience at your funeral? They’ll be too preoccupied with mourning. What a shame. A near-death experience is supposed to be an uplifting and wondrous thing. Being dead is just a downer.

5) Faking It
At first look, this seems like a bulletproof way to earn the admiration of your friends without the hassle of nearly dying. But anyone with a vested interest in near-death experiences (paranormal investigators, Hollywood filmmakers who have optioned the rights to your story, bored people) will slowly chip away at your story, hoping to trip you up. What color did you say the bright light was again? Were there clouds or just mist? Did you float upwards or climb a large staircase? Seemingly trivial details may not be scrutinized by your friends and family who lack any point of reference for what a near-death experience should look like, but you can’t hide from the experts forever. Eventually you’ll slip and even though it will feel like it, becoming a social pariah isn’t a technically a near-death experience either.

6) Dying In A Dream
Look, no matter how vivid it is, there is no way your friends are going to sit there and listening to you talk about your dreams. Get back to them when you wake up from a coma. Comas are a goldmine of near-death experiences. However, if your dream was lucid, at least you’re working in the right direction. The next step is to get out there and nearly die in reality. Try to get gored by a bull or drink a liquid version of a rare element.

7) Training To Be An Astronaut
When an astronaut is in training, they’re expected to undergo some of the most punishing and brutal conditions known to man. They’re subjected to forces beyond what a normal person would ever face. Here’s the problem: Even though you’ll be facing some of the most demanding physical challenges on the planet, they’re all designed to be 100% safe. In fact, the cruel scientists at NASA have created a machine that can produces phony near-death experiences. Imagine how embarrassed you’ll be when a scientist shows a recording of you merely hallucinating, no where even close to death, after you just got through bragging to your pals about your near-death experience on a large merry-go-round called a centrifuge. As a bonus humiliation, if you were to ever blow up in a shuttle disaster, you’d be vaporized instantly with no time to enjoy your proximity to death.

What do you think?

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