1) Butter Knife
The Butter Knife is the default knife for spreading butter, jams, jellies and cream cheese. It doesn’t work exclusively on butter. A Butter Knife will also spread peanut butter. Please remember that despite having butter in the name, peanut butter is not butter. This also isn’t a Peanut Butter Knife. As if that weren’t enough deception, the Butter Knife is not made out of butter either.

2) Swiss Army Knife
A total identity crisis. Calling this a knife is an insult to knives everywhere. The primary function of a knife is to cut stuff. The primary function of a Swiss Army Knife is to be a magnifying glass/nail file/corkscrew. It’s lost. While the Filet Knife was graduating with a Masters in Fileting, the Swiss Army Knife was working odd jobs as a toothpick andΒ  a bottle opener, trying to find itself, neglecting it’s knife studies until it was too late.

3) Bowie Knife
“What a cool knife! You’re telling me that this knife killed international superstar David Bowie?!?! I’d like to buy ten! Hold on, what’s that? You’re saying he died of liver cancer?!? Knives played no part whatsoever in his death. I see.” – actual interaction I had with a knife salesman at a knife store I wouldn’t have been shopping at anymore anyways so it doesn’t matter that I’m banned from.

4) Dagger
Look, I know you want to set yourself apart from the crowd. Everyone has a knife. What do YOU have? A DAGGER, huh? Wow. That’s impressive. Too bad anyone who knows anything about knives already knows that a Dagger is just an insecure knife hiding behind a fancy name. If you’re so ashamed to be a knife, why not turn in your blade, Dagger?

5) Butterfly Knife
When my good friend moved into a new neighbourhood, he told me he was scared, and had to buy a Butterfly Knife. I’d never been to a place where I was worried that I’d eat so many butterflies that it would make sense to get a knife specifically for that purpose. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out that not only was he not eating butterflies everyday, he hadn’t ever felt the urge to eat butterflies at any point during his life. Turns out his Butterfly Knife was actually for protection. I know what you’re thinking and, no, it wasn’t for protection from butterflies. As if to hammer the lies this knife was telling home even further, I saw him use his Butterfly Knife to stab a person who’d tried to hold him hostage in a convenience store robbery. I assumed he had been hallucinating that a giant butterfly was attacking him, but when I asked him about it he said he knew that it was a person he was stabbing.

6) Switchblade
A knife that’s embarrassed to be a knife. Like a 1920’s speakeasy, the Switchblade is equipped with a button that flips things behind a wall to conceal it’s true purpose. The equivalent to hiding a pornographic magazine in a large science text book. Sure, you’re getting away with something but you should really have more pride in who you are.

7) Mack The Knife
This song seems to be about a shark. Even though a shark may look like a knife, they are not knives. Mack The Shark would have been a more accurate title. This song has been out there confusing people who were expecting a nice song about a knife named Mack for decades.

What do you think?

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