Edmonton, Alberta – A struggling city on the verge of total ruin due to financial collapse and rising water levels. The city’s mayor signed a deal with mega-corporation Boatz Bros giving it complete control over Edmonton’s underfunded marina police at Hawrelak park. Boatz Bros proposes enhancing the marina with self-driving AI rowboat cops. However at the first demonstration an AI rowboat gruesomely kills a family for littering on the lake. An ambitious executive within the Boatz Bros company used this opportunity to introduce an experimental design of a half man, half rowboat. Someone who could think like a human, but move like a rowboat.

After being murdered by a gang of criminal ducks during a set-up and subsequently revived by Boatz Bros, Jordan Ward is now a superhuman cyborg known as RowboatCop. Most of his body was replaced with boat parts, leaving only his human brain. RowboatCop is programmed with three prime directives; to protect the lake from fowl gangs, serve as a guide for anyone visiting the lake, and make sure that all of the other boats are back at the dock at the end of each day. He has also been programed with a fourth directive which has been classified.

RowboatCop proceeds to ruthlessly eliminate criminal gangs from the lake. Despite this effort, the deteriorating situation in Edmonton, led by the mismanagment of Boatz Bros causes the human lake workers to go on strike. As RowboatCop suffers flashbacks of his previous life as Jordan Ward, he discovers his true identity and that his wife and son have moved away after his death to a land-locked area of Edmonton, totally inaccessible by boat.

During a Sunday at the marina, RowboatCop discovers that his death was orchestrated by an executive at Boatz Bros after overhearing a conversation at the shores of the lake. RowboatCop attempts to arrest the executive which triggers directive 4; RowboatCop will shut down if he attempts to arrest any executive of Boatz Bros. With his abilities limited by this hidden directive, RowboatCop is attacked and severely damaged by a group of mallard ducks surrounding the lake. A gust of wind rescues RowboatCop from the ducks and carries him to the other side of the lake, where he’s attacked by geese. After the wind changes direction again RowboatCop is carried to the middle of the lake where he is pooped on by seagulls. He powers down due to his injuries.

The lake becomes engulfed in chaos after the marina is taken over by high-powered birds, hellbent on destroying the lake. After a system reboot, RowboatCop powers up and clears the lake of all criminal birds, who were working for Boatz Bros as part of a crime syndicate.

RowboatCop heads to the marina alone, and barges in on a meeting between the mayor, some ducks and the Boatz Bros executive who had RowboatCop attacked. The executive tries to flee by paddling on a boat to the middle of the lake, but RowboatCop is able to catch up with him and sinks the boat. The executive is a very poor swimmer and is humiliated in front of all of the onlookers.

Grateful, the mayor commends RowboatCop’s rowing ability and asks what his name is; RowboatCop smiles and answers, “RowboatCop”.

Written by Jordan Ward

I'm one of the founders of Good Improv, an entertainment group focused on premise driven, logic based comedy. I enjoy having fun, making fun, and finding fun in life. Check out goodimprov.com where you can enjoy fun articles, listen to episodes of The Dan & Jordan Show, and more!

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