I’ve been analyzing sports again and I’ve come to some conclusions I’d like to share with you. “Take away” is a term used in sports like hockey, basketball, and driving. Normally it refers to when something is taken away from a player, like a puck or a ball. Other times, such as driving for instance, it means pick a direction.
But in this article I’ll be discussing a different kind of take away. A kind where instead of taking something away we’re adding on. Add-ons always improve the thing they were added to. One only needs to look at the U.S. Constitution, and the many add-ons (amendments) that it contains to see how this is true. But here are some other examples, like how Star Wars was drastically improved by several sequels and prequels, and how apple redefined the iPhone by adding the subtraction of the headphone jack. Addition by subtraction, as they say at Avengers meetings.
Here is a list of things we can add-on to improve sports.
Number One: More Foam Fingers
Once upon a game I was sitting in the audience waiting for the action to begin. Suddenly there was a person sitting in front of me. Sometimes the person sitting in front of you has a really long neck, or really tall hair, but sometimes they also have a foam finger. They wave it up in the air as they cheer and point at things with their novelty finger. Pointing at the camera operators, the Jumbotron, and sometimes they pretend to pick their nose with it in a playful way. More foam fingers equals more fun for fans! Just think of the hilarity that will ensue as we eat, drink, and cheer on our team while we wear foam fingers. Of course once too many people start wearing foam fingers then it won’t be fun or cool anymore. But that’s only an eventuality so let’s think about what would be more gratifying in the short-term.
Number Two: More Innings/Periods/Rounds
The average sports game is now longer than the extended edition of The Lord Of The Rings. The more, the merrier as they say! Ask the average NHL fan what they want and they’ll tell you one thing and one thing only, more periods. 7 seems like a good number to tack on because it’s a lucky number. 7 extra innings in baseball, 7 additional periods in hockey, 7 extra half’s in Football, and 7 extra rounds in Boxing. Those are the main sports in my mind so those are the ones I’ve chosen to amend. This will ensure that fans get more action for the price of a ticket. And those aren’t cheap. But 7 extra periods, innings, and half’s means that there’s more sports to bet on. And you can bet that gamblers will enjoy all of those extra odds, points, and spreads. I know I sure will.
Number Three: More Players and Athletes
Instead of a one-on-one Boxing match, why don’t we liven it up and have a 50-person boxing royale! This will get more people involved in the sport, be more exciting for the fans, and will really test the grit and championship abilities of the competitors. And let’s not limit this increase to the sport of boxing alone. Let’s get 50 players per team, on the ice playing at the same time for hockey games. Same for basketball, and football. More players means more opportunities to witness sports greatness. Imagine how it would push elite-level athletes to perform at the top of their game with the extra competition of competing against more players. How will the defence know which quarterback to tackle if there are four quarterbacks on the field? There should be four quarterbacks, it says it right there in the name.
Number Four: More Commercial Breaks & Ads
Who doesn’t like the refreshing interruption of having some ads blasted at high volume every few minutes? Nobody, that’s who. We need more commercials and ads selling us helpful items that make us feel more complete, if only for a brief moment. I know when I see an ad I feel like the corporation behind it cares about me, and is trying to make my life better. Take away the ads and commercials and you barely have a sports event worth mentioning. People may discuss the score the next day, but the real buzz is generated by the snazzy commercials.
Well, that about does it for me and this list. I suppose I should add one more thing because there aren’t many top 4 lists. If I had stopped at 3 I would have been okay, but no, I had to list a fourth thing which means I must also list a fifth. Good thing I didn’t list 6 things!
Number Five: More Bonus Material
After a Marvel movie rolls the credits there’s usually one, and sometimes two bonus scenes. This has made me feel entitled to bonus sports after the game or match has concluded. I think it’s only fair that the people get what they want. Give us more! An extra scrimmage. A couple of free throws. 2 more laps around the racetrack. Tease us with what the next instalment will bring! It’s a shared universe, let’s see some cross-overs. The last time I remember an athlete doing this was Michael Jordan when he played basketball, then baseball, and then basketball again. Imagine Lebron James shows up during a hockey game. Floyd Mayweather Jr. winds up competing in Formula One racing. Sidney Crosby pitches for the New York Yankees. Think of the possibilities.
Number Six: More Volume
Some of us can’t hear as well as we used to, and would appreciate the volume being turned up a little. Increase the volume, increase the fun! Try listening to Star Wars on mute. Now turn it up to 10! Bigger is better. That applies to volume as it applies to most other things. Are there things that might make you think smaller is better, or less is more? Sure, injuries for one, mistakes for another, also accidents. But when it comes to volume, bigger is better.
Is the Mona Lisa a great painting? Maybe, I haven’t seen it. Some people say it’s okay. But I know it would be better if it were 10 times bigger.
Trucks are better when they’re bigger. So big that they get referred to as monsters.
Do you have a boat? Oh, that’s great. You know what sheriff Brody said he needed when he was on a boat facing that shark with the big mouth? A bigger boat.
Plus the louder the volume is on the sports, the louder those commercials will be! Then I’ll be able to hear all about the latest and greatest things coming out that I didn’t know I needed.
Thus concludes another segment of our in-depth analysis of the world of sports. Stay tuned for more!