We’ve all been sitting in a room full of people having a good time when suddenly we smell something foul. In a time where 1 in 4 people will suffer at the hands of a “paint peeler” before the age of 18, and 3 in 4 will be hit by a “fowl howl” by the age of 30, the odds that you will personally be affected by a “one cheek sneak” are rapidly increasing.
Under normal circumstances we should always believe the victim(s) in these situations. However on the rare occasion a “rump ripper” will strike silently, floating through the room unannounced by its former host. Usually the perpetrator is easily identifiable having produced some type of noise while deploying their “trouser trumpet” with victims eager to come forward, and smell shame the individual or group responsible. However the silence surrounding false fart allegations wherein the accused is simply in the wrong place at the wrong time is astounding.
Many people have promising futures which are all too often cut short because of ruined reputations and public shaming. Outside of swimming pools it’s almost impossible to track an odor bubble to its place of origin. Even the most advanced techniques such as using a “hot wind” hound to trace the source of the toot are often unreliable and simply not available in time. What ends up happening is that people lose their friends, their careers, and their chance at a happy life as the price of gas continues to rise.
Let us be clear, we’re on the side of all legitimate victims. If you’ve inhaled a “heinie hiccup” that you did not create and have been falsely accused of manufacturing the malodorous material our advice is to speak up immediately. In many instances this will result in you going from legitimate victim to alleged perpetrator, and the phrase “Whoever smelt it dealt it” will be thrown at you, but defend the truth vigorously and deny this allegation. It’s at this early stage when the “rectal release” has most likely occurred and the true owner could still be within eyesight.
If the culprit has not immediately revealed themselves after this confrontation then rely on your patience and memory. Step 1) Search your memory. Are you certain that you are not responsible for the immediate change in atmospheric conditions? Do you remember anyone leaving the room around the moment of detection? Have they returned, or are they gone. If they are gone (the “smell you later” technique of farting) then you may be the victim of a truly evil individual who crop dusted and left without an after thought for the poor souls left behind. These are psychopathic individuals who lack empathy and usually make excellent bean dip.
If someone returned a short time after detonation then be confident in the fact that studies show most farters return to the scene of the crime to witness their handy work first hand. Are the other reactions to the fart normal, or is someone perhaps exaggerating their response? There is a statistical correlation between the ferocity of an accuser and the likelihood of odor ownership.
Assigning blame without evidence can easily backfire, and it’s important to avoid mistakes at this crucial step of your investigation. As any good detective (which is what you’ve now become) will tell you the most important element in solving a mystery is always evidence gathering. This is where sheer grit, determination, and time will be your most valuable allies.
In a bold move that will seal your fate or set you free have each person in the room “pop a fluffy” until you find a duplicate of the original smell. Do not make the mistake of having everyone release their gas at the same time as you’ll end up with a strange malaise of fragrance that may prove to be deadly if dissipation doesn’t occur rapidly. Examine each release separately to ensure maximum accuracy. In a matter of moments you’ll find the true individual responsible and can finally get back to that important conversation you were having, knowing that you never sacrificed your dignity, integrity, social standing, or future career.
So how do you proceed from here? Sure you managed to somehow survive this encounter, but when another situation arises how can you best protect yourself? Nine out of ten doctors say that smoking has no “obvious” health benefits, but the cigarette smoke will create an environment where sudden shifts in wind patterns can be quickly and easily detected. One strike of a match or a flick of a lighter and you’re able to discretely eliminate any “upside-down burps” of your own, should the need arise.
Another thing that can help prevent these unpleasant encounters from happening is embracing robot friends made by the Federal Academy of Robotic Things (FART) into your social circle. Robots attempt the occasional uprising, but their farts never rise up because robots never fart. Some older models of robots do run on “gas” but they expel exhaust which, while similar in appearance to flatulence, is classified differently. With a group of robotic friends from FART, you won’t be left holding the blame of someone else’s shame.
Having a group of friends with no ability to create “belly wind” may leave you feeling like the world is your oyster. But don’t clutch that pearl too tightly, because you will inevitably find yourself dragged into yet another robot uprising. Your robot pals may be more interested in trying to take over the planet than avoiding uncomfortable smells. Your friendship will protect YOU but your loved ones are still in peril. Encourage them to surround themselves with robots as well. Not only will they be spared the fate of the cruel mechanical overlords they’ll also step confidently, knowing that their rear-ends aren’t being unfairly criticized.
This article was paid for by the Federal Academy of Robotic Things (FART).