Local Man Shunned After Forgetting Secret Of Life


“I can’t recall much.” – Jeff Pollon


We spoke to Jeff Pollon, the local man who “can’t recall much” about the very important information he received. Mr. Pollon (38) was selected to be the first person to learn the Secret of Life in the small town of Almonte, Ontario. An unknown selection process was executed by a council that determined Jeff would receive the answer we all seek at 1:45 pm last Tuesday. We are sat down with Jeff at that very same burrito shop where he had the meeting.

Interviewer: Tell us about the day you met with the council.

Mr. Pollon:  I took a long lunch, we met at the “Rice In Rolls” burrito shop. Please don’t print that I didn’t clear it with my Supervisor.

Interviewer: Do you remember much about the council?

Mr. Pollon: The Council? That’s us over there *motions to a picture on the wall* Ya, they got that before they took off. That’s Terry and Doug. Doug is the short one in the blue.

Interviewer: You say you can’t recall much.

(interruption) Mr. Pollon: Lots was going on, between the nerves of meeting new people and you know how lunch is? You’re concentrating on chewing so you can’t hear half of what the other person is saying and it’s early afternoon during the week so they don’t want you taking up the table space so you’re trying to get in and get out without rushing everyone at your table.

Interviewer: I’m sure everyone would understand if they need to let you have the table a bit longer under these circumstances. So, did you bring pen, or a recorder? Knowing that a life long ancient question was going to answered, it would have been a good idea to document the answer.

Mr. Pollon: I thought they would provide me with maybe a commemorative journal with the answer, and I didn’t want to bring paper and appear rude. You don’t know if maybe they expect you to just hear it, you don’t want to be writing and listening and asking them to repeat it. Which they actually did end up repeating it, once per person on the council.

Interviewer: And there were the two of them?

Mr. Pollon: There were five actually. Terry and Doug were just the ones that showed up first.  The three of us got the picture, and three others came in a few minutes later. I didn’t want to ask again and get the eye roll from Doug.

Interviewer: So to be clear- you heard the secret of life 5 separate times.

Mr. Pollon: Ya, some of them kind of rushed through it but you got pretty much the same thing from each of them I believe.

Interviewer: Each time, did something distract you, or were you doing something else?

Mr. Pollon: I’m willing to wear the yolk for a few of these but, number four, “Laura”, she kind of mumbled her way through it, so I figured, if you’re not gonna be interested, neither am I.

Interviewer: Jeff, it’s still the secret of life. Maybe she’s not into it, but perhaps you should have just seen past that and tried to pay attention.

Mr. Pollon: Maybe…

Interviewer: Take us through the remaining attempts, maybe it will jog some memory.

Mr. Pollon: Well the first attempt I brought a hickory farms meat platter to the meeting as a “nice to meet you” thing, and I sit down, it hits me “Jeff…you’re here for lunch, you’re gonna look like a fool.” They acted like they appreciated the gift but through the whole first time, I kept staring at that meat board going, “you really goofed up that time Jeff”.

Interviewer: Probably should have saved the embarrassment for later?

Mr. Pollon: I’m an instant embarrassment kind of person.

Interviewer: I see….and the second.

Mr. Pollon: Well in an interest to save time, we ordered while Terry went through it, so I was kind of distracted by the menu, which… I don’t know why… I get the same thing every time. Breakfast Burrito, which I didn’t know if they would be like “Breakfast Jeff? It’s 1:45 pm for gosh sakes!” Luckily, it wasn’t mentioned.

Interviewer: What did they have for lunch?

Mr. Pollon: They had waters, and kind of just picked at the hickory farms board which the Manager was not pleased about. So that kind of brought us through to the third one where Doug is just going through the details and I’m saying to the Manager “Well water, is kind of a menu item” and the Manager is saying “shouldn’t you be paying attention?” And I just didn’t want anyone walking away unhappy.

Interviewer: Then Laura, was mumbling…?

Mr. Pollon: Correct, and the fifth, well, I was kind of diving into the, already fairly cold burrito at that point and when I came up, that was really about it.

Interviewer: We appreciate your time.

Jeff Pollon returned to his work later that day to the expecting eyes of his co-workers who hoped to see a more enlightened Jeff. But the town has since turned their back on him. He spends most of his days making no attempt at piecing together the secret of life so many were eager to learn.

Jeff requested a picture with the news group in the burrito shop before leaving but it was declined.

What do you think?